My mind is in a thousand places. It is a thousand colours at once and this is the canvas.

Life provides each of us an opportunity to manifest, to create, to bring something to the table. What do I bring? Experiences and lessons that I struggle to share. Ultimately, I write for myself. But if you resonate with these words as I do, then I write for you, mirror mirror. My heart is full; of hope and of fear, of rage and of compassion: of conflict. What happened to us recently? What is this world coming to? (How long have we been saying that for?) Do we really have control over anything? Ultimately I believe in people, in the human family, in love, in the future, in the good of the world. But do I believe in myself? I see myself as I am: a friend, a lover, a conflict, a balance, a hypocrite, idealist on one hand and idiot on the other. Aren't we all? Fools and foes and friends of folly. How many times have you said to yourself: "Oh, I would never do such and such a thing!!", only to be proven wrong at the very next opportunity. Hearts are broken, lives changed forever, tears fall, and yes, it happens all the time. Lessons learned. Let's hope. That is one of the beautiful bits of life here on planet earth. Life says: 'Prove it! If this is truly your belief, if this is your reality, then live it, prove it! Be the change, don't talk about the change. Live it every day of your life; whatever it may be and speak of it only in your heart, until someone asks.' Easier said than done? You bet. It is as if this world does not equip us for the elements of this existence, or does it? Do we remember the language of our heart? It speaks volumes of the times we have experienced this before, and the times we will experience it again. But there are other voices too. If only it were the heart alone who spoke. It is like a game of chess and we are the pieces, being led by smooth sayings and curious temptations. Whose voice is that? Is there really a choice? Sometimes we know and sometimes we don't. Does seclusion allow us a place to find refuge from this experience? Thinking of those who live closest to their hearts and those who choose a life of abstinence: the elders; the monks; the hermits; the nuns; who live a life of seclusion, cloistered at the tops of mountains, quietly contemplating life while adding to the collective understanding on our behalf. Committed. If we weren't so distracted, they wouldn't be so focused. Balance is beautiful and it is always there. Theirs is a form of suffering. A noble right of passage for the advancement of consciousness and the collective human experience. Most of us don't like to suffer. I know I don't. It seems I treat myself most when I suffer (yup, that's me keeping the balance), and yet I know and understand that this defeats the purpose. Hopeless or helpless or just plain human? Life is a paradox. And it makes us prove just where it is that we stand. Let me share a story with you. In March of this year, I decided to go on an adventure. Inspired by Heidemarie Schwermer, my goal was to live as best as possible without money. An experiment of life if you will. I would find a place to sleep, likely in a hostel; where I would exchange some of my skills for a bed (even if those skills were cleaning toilets). I was even prepared to dumpster-dive if I had to. Change is good, and needed. To begin my adventure, I withdrew about $200 from my account and I got on a bus. My plan was to travel east, and see how far I could get. I landed in Montreal, with enough money left over from bus fare to spend the night and maybe eat the next day. I carried my three ridiculously heavy bags (picture an ass) on the metro, and headed for the Old Port. I had no idea where I would spend the night, but I had a guide book, and two sleeping bags, just in case I had to sleep in the park. So, I get outside the metro station and find myself in what appears to be a relatively inaccessible part of the Old Port. "Did I get off at the wrong stop? Where the heck am I?" Are the words racing through my mind. Realizing quite blatantly that I don't know where I'm going or how to get there, I reach for my mobile, my friend, my companion.. only to find that its' battery is dead. 'What am I going to do with a mobile phone anyway?', I reassuringly ask myself. The guide book has a map and even if I did call a taxi, it would eat up the remainder of my budget-of-choice. My adventure quickly turned to despair. I plunked my bags down on the pavement, sat atop my mountain of excess, and proceed to cry. I ask you: Is this suffering? "What am I doing here?!", is all I can think. I might have even said it out loud as tears flowed down my cheeks. But I know what I am doing. I'm allowing the universe to provide for me. I am on a mission. I want to create, to write, to inspire and to be inspired. And I need to prove something to myself, to find myself, to test the limits. I loaded myself with bags and put one foot in front of the other. Onward! After carrying what must have been a hundred pounds of stuff through the cobblestone streets of Old Montreal, I was rewarded. The third hostel I visited that morning could accommodate my goal. An eclectic spot where local artists and global citizens met to drink tea and practice yoga. Suffering was rewarded, and my adventure was everything I needed and more. I spent a month in Old Montreal at the hostel, then couch-surfed through the lower Saint Lawrence river valley for some weeks before finding a home, planting flowers and tending gardens in the Appalachian Mountains for the month of May. Truly, it was one of the most meaningful experiences of my life, shared with some of the most inspiring people. There is truly something remarkable about sharing, which brings people together. It reminds us how deeply we are connected to everything. My strength came from allowing myself to be vulnerable, to require the support others in order to survive. Others who have no investment in me, nothing to gain, nothing to profit. It was remarkable. I found love and friendship, compassion and understanding, benevolence and truth. Above all I found hope. In case you're wondering, I didn't really live without money. In total I probably spent about $600. Priceless. I lacked nothing, and gained so much. I was richer than I could have ever imagined for those three months. My spirit came back to me. I could keep this up all summer!! Then came more suffering. Tragedy struck. My father was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer. A new and ugly beast for our family. I returned home with my newfound strength to care, to love, to mend. The dark days of death hung its heavy head over us for 4 months. I'm certain that I would not have made it through as I did, had it not been for the person I had re-discovered during those short months of adventure. I needed that strength for my father. And I honor the experience. I wish I could have given him more. I wish he could have seen more. In death, we learn so much about life. In death we see the elements at play in the world, the forces which act along with us: first, second, eleventh dimensions. As our loved ones get closer to death, they bring us with them. We see the things that they do, and life expands. So now its time for me to pick up the pieces of my shattered being, and begin again. I return to the place I found hope, found life, found love, found passion. La joie de vie. Trouble is, I'm not at all following the same course I did the last time I was here. Did I learn nothing?? Let me tell you what I'm doing this time. First and foremost I'm writing. But beyond that, I'm easing my pain, the loss of my father, the chasm that now exists in my family, with anything that I can possibly distract myself with. I'm treating myself to indulgence. Mopping up my tears with whatever my heart desires. I'm shopping, I'm eating, I'm sleeping in a fluffy bed with four pillows and generally experiencing all of the things that make my ego shine. Ego loves it, but heart questions it. A paradox. Heart versus head. Is this my proof of where I stand? The questions, I answer with justification: buying things made in Canada, by local artisans. I'm supporting people who support what I believe in. Creation. I'm eating real, live, organic food and raw honey with royal jelly and bee pollen in it, eating sprouts and copious amounts of delicious cheese and bread and otherwise just enjoying everything fantastic that is accessible and in front of me. And that's what it's about, right? Just don't forget the balance. So this is me suffering. Hopeless, helpless, or just plain human? I don't know. Tough to say. Not everyone has this luxury, that's for sure. But at least I recognize that, right? As I watch the news and see what is happening in this world today, I am so grateful. And guilty at the same time. So attached to the comforts and luxuries in this free world which our fore-families fought so tirelessly for us to enjoy. Did they know they were fighting for this? What do we fight for? Who do we fight? Ourselves? Ultimately we are the only thing we can truly master; and even then, do we really have control? Am I winning my inner battles? And who is the judge anyway? Something serious is happening, and we the people of earth have the power to give each other the confidence needed for us all to achieve greatness in our lives. We are the same, we are one, we have a responsibility to each other. Our hearts know the way. But its not always easy to hear. I say, lets hoist each other up on shoulders and celebrate the role we play in each others achievements. The time of putting people under foot to celebrate when they rise up in spite of our inadequacy and persecution is over. Put a light on a lamp-stand not under a basket!! But tell this to our ego, right? Easier said than done. Look to the earth, to nature, to the lessons which she provides. It is a practice which will serve the progressive and developing world in which we live. What some may see as weakness could be as gentle as a seed, floating on wind to disappear into the air, and fall again to the earth as life renewed. Individual truth is unique. Perspective is reality. With over 7 billion realities there is no place for judgement. The end is understanding. Understanding ourselves first, but we do this through understanding each other. We will all take this experience beyond this plane into the next: lessons, victories, whatever the case may be. What's happening here is the human experience. Or, perhaps the human part of this experience is truly being left out. Numbed. We can't argue with the fact that it is not given the place which it has held in the past. Who then is truly free? We all have free will, right? Don't talk about money. Don't talk about politics. Don't talk about religion. Who made these rules? Freedom indeed. Conditional freedom. Some create the rules, the rest of us reinforce them. Will we continue to allow it? That's up to us. Free Will.